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(I wrote this Saturday night just after getting home)

I am feeling spiritually uplifted this evening.
And I need to write this down now, before the feeling wanes.

Eric and I were blessed to attend the adult session of Church conference this evening.
The speakers were amazing and truly spoke from their hearts and souls.
The topic for the evening was trials and it was nothing short of remarkable to hear these peoples stories.

The first young speaker told the story of her father who unexpectedly passed away at the young age of 43. She recounted her struggle to sift through the fog of depression and grief. As part of her healing process she wrote letters to her father and it really touched my soul to hear her read a portion of one of her personal letters to her father – to hear her recount about just wanting to tell him she loved him and ask him for guidance.

The next speaker is easily the most amazing woman I’ve ever met in my life.
She told us about her battle with stage 3 breast cancer and how for the past 7 years she’s been cancer free. Unfortunately, her cancer is back and is now at stage 4.
She had her fifth round of chemo just last week, and yet there she stood telling
me her story with a smile, and a tear.
She is my hero, without a doubt.

She is an angel sent from God to remind me that we all go through trials. Not one of us is safe of trials, and no one knows the full extent of each others. He reminded me, through her, to be more compassionate and understanding. To show more kindness and to bear my burdens cheerfully.

A story was paraphrased from Elder Holland about an interchange he had with an infertile mother. She told Elder Holland how they had tried everything, gone to all the doctors, attended church regularly, knelt in prayer often and done everything humanly and spiritually possible and yet they were still being given this trial. They recognized that it was now up to the Lord to do as He will.
Elder Holland could sense the bite of bitterness in her voice and took that time to remind her that it is not as we would naturally think; God does not love me because I am suffering.
He then held up his scriptures and told her
Every person I know in this book suffers.

Our trials are not meant to break us, but rather to make us as He would. I know in my heart and soul that our NICU trials and twins trials are here to mold me for Him. To remind me of my greater purpose in this life and to humble me. I also know that there is so much more to our experience that I don’t yet know and understand. But He does, and He will do with it as He sees fit.

That’s not to say that I am now this amazingly humble woman without faults. I am still human, and I still have trials. There was a moment tonight when a young, new mom of 4 weeks brought her baby back into the room and handed her to Grandma, who was dying to hold her. And I had a moment of silly jealousness. A moment of thinking I never got to do that with my babies… to casually hand them over to Grandma at such a young age. Instead, mine were hooked up to tubes and wires and monitors and I was scared to death of holding them the wrong way. In fear of making their oxygen levels drop in any way because my babies couldn’t even breathe on their own at that age. It was silly. and fleeting. but it took my breath away. Eric noticed, and asked, and so I told him, and he nodded and agreed with me and we had a moment of mourning together.

But at the end of it all, at the end of these amazing speakers and a room so full of the spirit it was hard to keep the tears back at moments, I am still reminded to bear my burdens cheerfully. Because they are sent for a reason, and there is a bigger picture at work here.

just love // kelly

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  • Wow this was so powerful. Our burdens, struggles, trials, & tribulations are here to mode us into who we are.
  • Oh boy. I needed this. I never got to hand my son off to Grandma either. Not to a friend or any other family member. There was no one there. We are here all alone. Nobody held my baby but me. Sometimes I get a twinge of jealousy at the other Mom's in church because of it. It hurts me when they say they never has any help. Because really...they did. Loads of it. They were never alone. But I am. All alone. I'm sure I'm not leaning on The Lord enough. These trails are for a reason. We're dealing with everything for a reason. Hell if I know what it is though! Breaking Point is coming fast...