I have been avoiding this topic at all costs. It’s ugly and icky, dark and moody…it’s what happens to me after having babies apparently and it’s no fun. at all. I noticed it with Quinn. I was moody, unfeeling, never truly settled and on edge all the time.
I loved my baby, I loved being home with my baby and I was never sad per say just simply unsettled. A bit unfeeling. numb. And then one day I woke up and the sun was shining and the birds were chirping and I could smile. Really smile. And I realized that while I hadn’t really been sad I hadn’t really been happy either. And all of a sudden I was.
It took six months for me to get over the Postpartum blues with Quinn.
It’s been an even bigger struggle with the twins + the move + the emergency c-section + the c-section recovery + the non-stop NICU + the numbness and the unfeeling. I’d even be willing to wager that this time around wasn’t only Postpartum blues but a bit of PTSD as well – Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Because no one can argue that the 12 week early delivery wasn’t a bit traumatic. But add all of the other stuff and honey you’ve got a real big problem on your hands.
I put up a good front. I laugh at all the appropriate queues. I smile and say that I’m fine, because deep down all I want is to be fine. And on the surface I almost feel fine, but there really is nothing fine about me. It took a solid six+ months again, and it wasn’t until I attended this event and stepped out all by myself for a minute that I finally, actually, was fine.
Something about not having to smile and laugh and put up a front helped break down the barriers. Stepping outside of my circle of friends and acquaintances, being in a room full of strangers who had no idea what my story is and who all just wanted to genuinely have a good time together. It put a real smile back on my face.
It’s very strange to feel this kind of numb. It’s the hardest thing to properly express. I’ve gone through shock before so I guess that would be the closest way to describe it. Six months of my mind taking over and protecting my body from the real pain, from the real emotions. Six months of numbness and only the desire, the true desire, with all my heart and soul, to just be able to move on and feel again.
There are still days I feel it creep back in a little. Days where I can’t really smile, can’t really get motivated, and feel a little numb. Days I just want to sit on the sofa with my babies and let life pile up around me. But its those days and all of those piles of life that make it even worse.
So instead, I push through. I keep cleaning and walking and smiling and laughing, and sometimes they are real laughs, and someday this silly overprotective mind of mine will let me back in.
These things take time.